For Forever
by Shadowhunter Penrose
Summary: Dear Evan Hansen, This hasn't been a great day. There hasn't been one for a while. Why would there be? I don't deserve a great day. I don't even deserve an average day. I don't deserve any days at all. Maybe I should just let go... (Set after the end of the canon story, song reprises included. Evan x Connor)
1. For Forever

"Connor?"

He stands above me, hands in his pockets. He shrugs, dismissively.

"Evan,"

He looks better than usual; eyes not bloodshot, cheeks not sunken.

"Aren't you dead?" I ask him.

"Aren't you?"

He reaches out a hand, I take it.

We're standing under a tree.

My tree. The one I was climbing. It seems I let go of more than the branch.

I look around.

Its end of May or early June,  
It's a picture-perfect afternoon, and he's there.  
We could drive the winding country road,  
Or grab a scoop at À La Mode,  
But no, we're here.

In an open field that's framed with trees,  
We pick a spot and shoot the breeze,  
Like buddies do.

He's quoting songs by his favorite bands,  
And telling jokes I don't understand.  
What do I do?  
He talks as I take in the view.

All I'll see is sky for forever.  
I'll let the world pass by for forever.  
Feels like I must go on for forever this way.  
The two of us on a perfect day.

We walk a while and talk about.  
The things we'd have done when we got out of school.  
Bike the Appalachian trail or  
Write a book or learn to sail  
Wouldn't that have been cool?

There's nothing that we can't discuss  
Like girls we wish would have noticed us, and guys too.  
He looks around and says to me  
"There's nowhere else I'd rather be"  
And I say, "me too"

And we talk and take in the view.  
We just talk and take in the view.

All we see is sky for forever  
We let the world pass by for forever  
Feels like we will go on for forever this way, this way.

All we see is light for forever  
'Cause the sun shines bright for forever  
He says, "We'll be alright for forever, this way,"  
Two friends on a perfect day.

And there he goes,  
Racing back toward the tree.  
From far across the yellow field I hear him calling, "Follow me,"

There we go,  
Now I know how the world looks from up so high.

One foot after the other.  
One branch then to another.  
I climb higher and higher.  
I climb 'til the entire  
Sun shines on my face...

And I suddenly feel my gaze slip away.  
I look down.  
I'm finally done.  
I'm there on the ground.  
And I know, he came to get me.  
He came to get me  
And he says, "Everything's okay,"

"All we'll see is sky for forever,  
We'll let the world pass by for forever  
It's just you and I for forever this way, this way"

Everyday

And I believe him;

The world will not watch us, we will watch the world

"Why are you here?"

"Evan, don't you understand? We're dead,"

"No, I know. Why were you here, waiting, for me,"

"Well, when you're falling in a forest and when you hit the ground, all you need is somebody to find you. What I mean is, I watched you climb up there. You were all alone. I saw, you just let go. And I just figured maybe you didn't want to be alone when you hit the ground..."

I smile.

So does he.

All we'll see is light, for forever.  
'Cause the sun burns bright for forever.  
We will be alright for forever, this way.  
Two friends,  
New friends

On a

neverending,

no-tomorrow,

but perfect,

day...

* * *

**A / N (I don't own characters or cover image, and I altered the lyrics)**

**There's an explanation at the end of the story if you need clarification**


	2. If I Could Tell Him

"Connor?"

"Yeah, Evan?"

"What did you do with my letter?"

"Oh," he says, rubbing the back of his neck. He can't hide the guilt any more than he can hide the nail polish chipping off his fingers.

"I still have it." He draws it from his jacket pocket, neatly folded. "I must have read it a hundred times" His eyes dart away, a small, nervous smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. He opens it, scanning the familiar words. His eyebrows knit together, confusion dawning on his face.

"I never understood this though,"

I brace myself, I don't know what to expect.

"Zoe..."

Oh

"All my hope is pinned on Zoe?"

"Right." I nod, not sure how to respond. How do I tell him I had the biggest stalker crush on his sister? I'd almost forgotten her since then. Not having the idea of her pinning me to that life had made it so much easier to leave. It was a fool's dream. But Connor doesn't know that. What if he no longer wants to be around me? I can't go through this alone

"It's okay," he says. I guess he could tell. Everyone probably could.

"She was my biggest regret. That I wasn't there for her. That I scared her, practically ruined her childhood. That she didn't feel safe around me. That she saw me how everyone else did - a freak. I'm glad she met you."

"She thought you were awesome,"

I'm shocked

"She thought I was awesome? Your sister?"

"Definitely!"

"How?" I can't believe it, doesn't make any sense... and why would Connor be telling me?

He turns to face me properly, fringe falling into his eyes. He brushes it aside, thinking for a moment.

"Well, she said,  
There's nothing like your smile.  
Sort of subtle and perfect and real.  
She said,  
You never knew how wonderful  
That smile could make someone feel."

"And she knew,  
Whenever you get scared,  
You tremble, and your voice kind of shakes.  
But she noticed,  
That somehow you still smile, Even when you feel like you can't go on."

"But she kept it all inside her head  
What she saw, she left unsaid.  
And though she wanted to,  
She couldn't talk to you.  
She couldn't find the way.  
But she would always say..."

"If I could tell him,  
Tell him everything I see.  
If I could tell him,  
How he's everything to me.  
But we're a million worlds apart.  
And I don't know how I would even start...  
If I could tell him.  
If I could tell him"

"Did she say anything else?" I'm reluctant to ask

"About you?"

"Never mind, I don't really care anyway,"

"No, no, no just, no, no she said, she said so many things  
I'm just, I'm trying to remember the best ones." He stammers. His hands shake, his face flushes.

"So, um,"

Why's he so nervous?

"She thought,  
You looked kind of cute, er  
It looked kind of cool, when you wore that cast, with my name every day,"

"She did?"

He nods.

"And she wondered, how you learned to cope,  
Even though nobody showed you the way,"

His eyes flick to mine for a moment. They're glistening with tears.

"But she kept it all inside her head  
What she saw she left unsaid,"

"If I could tell him  
Tell him everything I see  
If I could tell him  
How he's everything to me,"

"But we're a million worlds apart,"

"And I don't know how I would even start.  
If I could tell him,"

His voice trails off. He clears his throat, and says loudly, clearly;

"If I could tell him.  
But what do you do when there's this great divide?"

"She just seemed so out of reach..."

"And what do you do when the distance is too wide?"

"It's like I don't know anything..."

"And how do you say,"

We stare. We don't speak. What could we say?

"I love you,"

His crystal blue eyes bore into me. One of them is half brown.

"I love you,"

How did I never notice that?

"I love you,"

Oh my God...

"I love you!"

His hand covers his mouth, he chokes back a sob. His eyes squeeze tight. A single tear rolls down his cheek. His body quivers with the effort of holding back what has tortured him for so long.

I place my hand on his shoulder. He stills under my touch.

"Connor?"

I wrap my arms around his shoulders. He clings in desperation to the back of my shirt and he shakes in my embrace.

I barely hear what he says, his voice is so soft, so gentle. Something I'd never expect to hear from Connor Murphy.

"But we're a million worlds apart.  
And I don't know how I would even start."

He looks up at me, eyes wide.

"If I could tell you..."

His gaze darts between my eyes and my mouth, so quickly I wonder if I even saw it at all.

"If I could,"

His sentence is cut short. His lips are on mine.

"Crap, Evan I'm so sorry, that was selfish of me, I - "

But it doesn't matter to me. I take his hand, and I say,

"Everything's okay..."


	3. Words Fail

"I know Evan, I'm am sorry, it's just... Well, I noticed you one day. And I could tell, you were trying to fight the same never-ending battle. The voices in your head were just as loud as mine. I was intrigued. I mean, how were you doing it? Sure you struggled to interact with other people, but you managed to get up every day and just get on with things. I saw you do it day after day after day. You didn't need to escape, you didn't throw your life away. You didn't get so hooked on drugs you couldn't -" he sighs. "I don't know, you didn't make everything about an escape. You were so brave."

"Not like me. No, that crackhead Connor Murphy, the freak, the druggo, tore his family apart. Barely got through school every day. Only did because you were there. Because I figured if you could do it I could. But I couldn't. I wasn't strong like you. I started looking for you, I was desperate to talk to you, to ask you how you did it. And then that day, in the computer lab. I was so awful to you. I hated myself, for treating you that way. I kept thinking what if that was it, your breaking point. The moment that would turn you like me. But it wasn't yours, it was mine.

"That night I read your letter a hundred times over, trying to figure out your secret, to figure out you. But I was too lost, I could only find one way out. So I took it."

"I never meant to make it such a mess.  
I never thought that it would go this far.  
So I just stand here sorry,  
Searching for something to say,  
Something to say...  
Words fail," he shakes his head.

"Words fail  
There's nothing I can say."

"I guess I thought I could be part of this.  
I never had this kind of thing before.  
I never had that perfect person,  
Who somehow could see the good part of me."

"I never had the dad who stuck with me,  
Just scowls I couldn't help but see.  
A mom who tried to help me through  
But never knew what she had to do..."

"That's not a worthy explanation,  
I know there is none.  
Nothing can make sense of all these things I've done."

"Words fail, words fail.  
There's nothing I can say...  
Except sometimes, you see everything you wanted,  
And sometimes, you see everything you wish you had,  
And it's right there, right there, right there!  
In front of you,  
And you want to believe it's true.  
So you make it true...  
And you think, you hope, that maybe he wants it,  
And needs it, a little bit too."

"This was just a sad invention.  
It wasn't real, I know.  
"We could've been happy.  
I guess I couldn't forget that.  
I guess I couldn't give that up.  
I guess I wanted to believe.  
'Cause if I just believe,  
Then I don't have to see what's really there."

"No, I'd rather just hide behind the person they think I am.  
Pretend I'm the monster, the freak, the mess they see."  
No one sees what's deep inside of me;  
The person I want to be.  
The person I could never be."

" 'Cause I've learned to slam on the brake,  
Before I even turn the key.  
Before I make the mistake,  
Before they see any good in me;  
I only let them see the worst of me."

" 'Cause what if everyone saw?  
What if everyone knew?  
Would they like what they saw?  
Or would they hate it too?  
Will I just keep on running away from what's true?"

"All I ever do is run  
So how do I step in...  
Step into the sun?  
Step into the sun..."

He finishes talking, with his eyes shut tight, not daring to look at me. He thinks he's ruined everything. Quite the opposite.

**A/N There's more, keep going! One more song, lots more tears. Are you ready? Got your tissues? Good!**


	4. Only Us

"Connor, look at me,"

He does. His face is distraught. His cheeks are flushed, Tears stream down his face. Keeping a firm hold of one hand, I reach out and brush them away with my thumb. His lip trembles. I fight the urge to kiss him again.

"Connor, you saw me, when I was invisible. That was all I ever wanted. I can't believe after all this time, we could have been each other's saviors. We could have _helped_ each other. Then maybe we wouldn't be having this conversation here, this way.

"Evan," he says, his gaze slowly meeting my own. "Is it too late? For us?"

You would think so. Dead is as late as you can get, isn't it? Ironically, the end is only our beginning.

"I don't need you to sell me on reasons to want you.  
I don't need you to search for the proof that I should.  
You don't have to convince me.  
You don't have to be scared you're not enough.  
'Cause what we've got going is good,"

He smiles, sadly, wiping his nose on his jacket sleeve. I tuck a strand of his hair behind his ear.

"I don't need more reminders of all that's been broken,  
I don't need you to fix what I'd rather forget"  
Clear the slate and start over.  
Try to quiet the noises in your head.  
We can't compete with all that,"

He laughs. My heart leaps. It's so beautiful_. He's_ so beautiful.

"So what if it's us?" I ask  
"What if it's us,  
And only us.  
And what came before won't count anymore or matter?  
Can we try that?"

He smiles, so brightly, I feel my heart may burst. He says,

"What if it's you?  
And what if it's me?  
And what if that's all that we need it to be?  
And the rest of the world falls away?  
What do you say?...

"I never thought there'd be someone like you who would want me."

He pulls me into a crushing embrace, burying his face in my shoulder.

"So I give you ten thousand reasons to not let me go."

"But if you really see me," I say into the warm fabric of his jacket.  
"If you like me for me and nothing else.  
Well, that's all that I've wanted for longer than you could possibly know."

We draw away slightly, foreheads resting against one another, our fingers intertwining between us. I say,

"So it can be us  
It can be us  
And only us  
And what came before won't count anymore or matter  
We can try that."

He whispers,

"It's not so impossible  
Nobody else but the two of us here,  
'Cause you're saying it's possible,"

"We can just watch the whole world disappear  
'Til you're the only one  
I still know how to see  
It's just you and me  
It'll be us, It'll be us  
And only us  
And what came before won't count anymore

We can try that,"

"You and me?"

"That's all that we need it to be.  
And the rest of the world falls away,"

"And the rest of the world falls away."

The world falls away  
The world falls away

_And it's only us, for forever..._

**A/N Omg that's the end. Idek where that came from but damn I love our tree bros. Hopefully, you all enjoyed that. I'd love to hear what you thought. Yeah, I'm going to go cry now.**

**An explanation:**

**This is set post-canon of the original story. Evan gets worse and worse after the fallout from his lie reveal. Eventually, it all just becomes too much and he just lets go.**

**But Connor was there, he waited for him. He guides Evan through this new existence. Both are so carefree, Connor is happy because there's no more pressure, no more people. They can be themselves, for forever. They can be this way, for forever. Life will be alright, for forever. Evan thinks 'We could drive the winding country road, or grab a scoop at À La Mode. But no, we're here,"**

**They could be doing all these things, but no, they've died.**

**Connor's perfectly content to talk to Evan, despite his confusion, because he's so glad to have someone else who's gone through what he has. Someone to keep him company in this in-between existence. They talk about what could have been, what they would have done.**

**And the rest is after-life history...**

**Idk I woke up crying because I dreamt of this. If you need clarification or want to add your own interpretation just comment or message me or something. We love our Treebros.**


End file.
